When your Grandmother informs you that she told your mother whom you never ever see, that you had two children and she didn't seem to care, you'd think those words would strike a heart string somewhere....but they just dont. I mean, maybe a little, because now I'm blogging about it, but for the most part, I dont care that she doesn't care. It was her decision to not have any involvement in my life. I know I certainly tried to be a part of her life, and now I say the best thing she ever did for me in my life was to leave and not continue to be an "in and out" figure that would just lead me a long.
We then discussed where she is living/working. She is still in Fort Worth Texas working as a Waitress/Bartender/Cook at a place called American Legion. She has lived in Texas for I'd say about ten years now, and has actually been with this employer and this city for some time as well. It used to come to my mind a lot when we would go to The Houston Finals because its my general understanding that Fort Worth is sort of near Houston. At least a day trip there would have been feasible, if we had that kind of relationship. But after I had Ian, that disappeared. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of meeting Ian, or my husband (who could absolutely careless about meeting her, and I'd actually be afraid of what he'd say to her lol).
I asked my Grandmother if I could have her address. Their was a faint desire to possibly send her a Christmas card. After mulling it over for a few seconds I decided against it. My Grandma said that my mom might call her to get my address and that she wouldn't give it to her. I then decided that sending her our Christmas letter might unintentionally give her the idea that I want to communicate with her, which I do not. I'm not sure what my thought process was in wanting to send her a letter, perhaps it was just to show her pictures of her grandchildren that she will hopefully never meet or be a part of their lives. I also decided it was a little unfair to put my Grandmother in a position to have to tell her Daughter "no" when she would *possibly* ask for my address to respond. Their relationship (if you can call it that) is already spread thin enough.
Maybe it does get to me. But its certainly not in the way that one would expect. I have no desire to attempt a relationship with her. My curiosities have only grown stronger about her decisions in life, and they started burning when I had children. How could my mother have done what she did to all four of her children? Turning your back on them? Pretending they dont exist? I know there are lots of worse things she could have done, heck, I'm surprised sometimes that I'm even alive.
But, I guess in a way, I'm righting her wrong in my own little way. I'm a fabulous mother, and I love my children, and I will never put them in harms way the way she did to me and my brothers and sisters...yeah, ...it stings a little.