The Toddler Miracle Diet:
Americans are always on the
lookout for a new diet. The trouble with
most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation
diet),
or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go
broke
(the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their
diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their
faces
after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up
and
tell your friends you have a gland problem?
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years
you
may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim.
It
came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps
their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians,
X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate
this
new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient
quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to
check
with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward.
Good luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the
floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and
clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and
a
glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat
Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen
floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink
half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and
a handful of
Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside,
drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean
again.
Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up
your
left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with
a
spoon.
DAY THREE ---
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers,
rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in
glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug,
lick off
fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit
several
bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red
punch.
FINAL DAY ---
Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of
soap,
an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a
half
cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal
to
dog.
Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find
that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball
on
plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
-Anonymous